Everything Else

Why is it that when you go to a supermarket, the dairy free food is in the same section as the organic? (And the soy milk is never in the fridge, ever?)

I mean, when you are avoiding dairy and crap food for health reasons, do you really want to see ultra expensive organic hot chocolate or organic cake which has dairy in it anyway?

No you don’t. Those items are the last thing you want to see, as by filing you off in the luxury section the supermarket suggests there is some frivolity or even choice involved in buying soy based food. It’s like you’re having so much fun buying this trendy milk substitute that you might as well buy some organic muffins too.

Newsflash: there’s nothing fun about soy! Seeing Green and Blacks next to Alpro Soya Custard shoves the gargantuan cross all dairy intolerants must bear deeper into our already crippled backs. It makes our sacrificial soy seem less like nails through our messianic hands and more like just another posh luxury item. Seriously though, who actually chooses to use soy?

It’d be nice if there was a way to make it clear that you are not drinking soy milk by choice. As it is, I often fear that buying soy products singles me out as some kind of yuppie hippy (yippy?) The supermarkets have probably done their market research and know that yuppie hippies buy all these other goods which are basically gourmet sweets, as well as soy milk, so they put them in the same section. This cheapens the struggle of people who can’t eat dairy.

I also feel strange buying soy products because suddenly you enter this netherworld of social consciousness. This was even worse when I was advised to stop eating wheat too. I would buy things in Nourish and feel like saying “By the way these purchases say nothing about my general philosophy on life”. Of course I never said that as I would sound like a twat! But the thought still recurs even today. Can’t you buy a product without buying the philosophy? I guess so, but you still might appear like you buy the philosophy.

I often think somebody should bring out a soy milk called “Ambivamel” or something. The slogan could be “The dairy free drink for people who just can’t fucking have milk, okay?” or “None of the dairy, none of the principled stand against extracting food from animals, I just need something to wet my cereal in the morning.”

Because you know, the bottom line for me is this. I don’t use dairy because it makes a chronic illness worse. That’s all! Therefore I have a certain amount of armchair disgust (less potent than the real kind) towards anyone who avoids it for any other reason. And this is probably rooted in one single burning all consuming jealousy:

I want to eat their pizza.

This stuff is amazing. €2.49 in Superquinn, and possibly other stores too. Cattlemen’s are World BBQ Champions at “Memphis In May” (whatever the hell that is) not once, not twice, but fourteen motherfucking times. So I think these guys know a little something about how to barbecue, don’t you? But don’t take my word for it, many other average joes agree.

From their website:

“I love using Cattlemen’s in my baked beans. Cattlemen’s and a little bacon makes everything better!”

George - Galvaston TX ”

“We use Cattlemen’s Golden Honey on wings before Monday night football. My husband’s friends think they are better than a Viking win…well maybe close.”
Sue - Minneapolis, MN”

“I love Cattlemen’s because my dad says it’s the key ingredient on his baby back ribs.”

Bill – Memphis, TN”

“I love using Cattlemen’s gold on my pork shoulder. I rub it on about an hour before its ready.”

Robert – Atlanta, GA

“Using Cattlemen’s stops abortions”

Bud - Memphis, TN

So there you have it, a resounding verdict from ordinary folk in the Deep South. I think you know what to do.